if it were easy it wouldn't be called life. it's amazing to me, how we can all change so much, so often. frequently i feel completely alone in all of it but then i realize that's just not the case. almost every person has these swings, these low lows followed by high highs or vice versa.
me personally, i'm an extreme person. the vast majority of the time i am at one end of the spectrum or the other. i am prone to bouts of mania & bouts of depression. i go from overwhelming anxiety to overwhelming elation. the things i do don't always help either. drinking magnifies things always & self-medication makes things even worse than that. even the mood ring that i wear on my left ring finger changes color so violently & often that sometimes i wonder if the bright hues will burst from the glass.
i look back at the person i was at the end of the summer after returning home from africa. everything was so clear then. i knew who i was & somehow i got very, very lost after that. i know it had a lot to do with my last semester of college, so many enormous changes. i am quite certain that i did not handle any of it with the grace that i should have. each time i fall down, though, i do get back up.
right now things are haywire as they could possibly be. i am surrounded by very little stability at all fronts. i'm doing the best i can with it. i know that my circumstances are a direct result of my actions. sanity breeds sanity & insanity breeds insanity. i know that happiness is a choice & serenity is only a matter of breathing. if only i would breathe, but much of the time i choose, literally, to hold my breath until my lungs near burst. it is a choice, a stupid one, but a choice all the same. i need violence to thrive. i need violence to get off. i need violence & desperation to be the remotest bit happy. it is sick really, but it is me. i have said it time & time again, the easy road is not the road for me. and i know that i am not alone in this self-created warpath.
i have come so close to death so many times, it is the only thing i know. somehow each season saves me or sometimes it is a month. small beautiful things pick me up & drag me back. there is very little fight in me but what is left, i cling to. i feel like i have been re-born so many times in this life, as if my journey has been some short eternity. the most fucked up thing in all of it is that i wouldn't change a thing. i know how weak my heart is & how most likely i will probably push that small, red beater right over the edge, but what is life anyway? if not a thing to test, to try, to pull at with whatever little might we have? safety is an appalling thought.
no i am not reckless or fearless, only i prefer a tempest to a halcyon calm. i hope to one day love all of myself & not just the smallest pieces. i hope to fuse my highs & lows into something worthwhile, something necessary, some creative, abundant energy, beneficial to myself & to others. i feel very old & tossed like driftwood - i see it in the tiniest lines of my face & the gray hairs i find. and i am proud of these things, because i know that only with time & life comes wisdom. these life lessons are hard-earned & i am happy to pay the price, even when the cost is a callous heart or scarred up arms & hands.
yesterday i met a stranger & we spoke for about an hour. he said he had never met a more contradictory person. i said yes, that's about right.
Current Music: Imogen Heap - Hide & Seek